Can someone please explain the appeal of awards shows? I'm thumbing through the channels and land on CBS. It's the night of the "People's Choice Awards". Lucky us. They're talking about an award for the "fans' favorite hair". Am I alone in my completely eroded tolerance for all this celebrity crap and all the over-the-top materialism? The celebrity machine keeps pumping out the redundant award shows, and for all their time and largesse, the only thing the "winners" in these self-congratulatory narcissism parades can do is spew mawkish clichés between ums and use the word very as redundantly as possible. And of course there's always a few who insist on tarnishing the concept of genius by throwing the word around to anyone they've ever "worked" with.

The only good thing I saw in 20 minutes of viewing was that infomercial for tsunami relief, with George W. Bush and Bill Clinton. It was really nice to see those two together. (There are so many people out there who would celebrate policy X if it was implemented by president Y, and criticize that same policy if implemented by President Z. The truth is, both of those guys are good people, no matter what Michael Moore says.)

And then, at the end of the ex-presidents' public service announcement, some careless dolt behind the scenes found a way to screw it up by showing the wrong Web address for the relief organization. Well done.

For those of you whose lives involve many elevators and subways and other close-quartered public arenas, you've probably had to endure many an insipid cell phone conversation from nearby strangers. Here...you might find these cards helpful. Scroll down and behold the variety.

Apparently, rats have some language ability. Anna Nicole Smith should feel that much lower.

If you were alive in the 80s you heard Tommy Tutone's song 867-5309 a zillion times. Well, some guy named Dan, who clearly had a nice chunk of time on his hands, decided to call that number for every valid area code and report the results.

So the Mexican government has issued a pamphlet for would-be illegal immigrants, showing them methods they can employ to beat the border patrols and get into the land of free money. It's officially sanctioned government material showing their citizens how to leave their own country to break U.S. laws. Their explanation is that it will help keep them safe. I'm not going to say a word. Read this and/or this and tell me what you think.