Jehova's Templates
There's a church of Jehova's Witnesses nearby and they come by now and then. They come to the door in pairs, always. One to do the talking, and another to stand back and look mousey or hold pamphlets or both. They rang the bell today at noon. I was sittin' here reading this thing about an interesting region of the brain and munching the A+ sandwich I had just made. I was annoyed. I'd have ignored them, but the dog's bark volume was intolerable.
So I open the door to a plainly dressed 70-ish year old woman with two bottom teeth, a horrible makeup job, and a folder full of pamphlets. Behind her, the reluctant mousey type. She was about 32, maybe 35, and she stared at her feet most of the time. Toothless introduced herself and asked permission to read me a passage from the little red book in her hand.
"Sure, as long as it's a poetic passage. And not Ezekiel with that weird four-headed lion...ox...thing,".
"Well...," said Toothless, flipping to a bookmark...and she went on to read a short stanza from Somebody, XX:XX, I forgot who and what.
"What do you think about that? Do you agree with that?"
"Well, sure, but..."
"Okay, let me show you something." She pulled a little white booklet from her folder and opened to a centerfold—a mediocre drawing of people in a park-like setting, with a child petting a Tiger as it laps water from a stream, and adults smiling innocuously as bears and panthers frolic behind them. I chuckled. Surely they can't be serious.
"Does this look nice to you?"
"It looks impossible to me," I said, and immediately recognized my mistake. I set up the pins for her easy strike. I should have said "It looks completely fucking insane, I mean, come on..."
"But it IS possible," she said, "if you..."
"Let me get this straight. In the afterlife, we're going to get suited up with newer, fresher bodies just like the ones we have now, only perfect, and we're going to live among carnivores who no longer kill animals and eat them?"
"Heaven is perfect. There's no killing, and we all live in harmony with nature."
"So why does the Tiger drink from the stream? If it drinks, it eats, right? What do Tigers eat in this world?..."
(Pause)
"Doesn't this sound nice?"
"It sounds like a children's book, ma'am. Come on..."
"Have you read the Bible?"
"Most of it, over time. Never in a single serving like I would Hemingway."
(Pause)
"May I leave this with you", she asked, handing me the little white book with the dreamy zoo scene.
"No thanks." As soon as the nnn sound of "no" left my mouth, the Mousey One took her first steps down the driveway. This woman had clearly developed a skill for leaving.
"Okay", said Toothless. It was all very cordial and polite. At least it was that.
Next time, I think I'll engage them more and not be so quick to shoo them away. What people believe and how they came to believe it is usually an interesting study.
4 Comments:
Wanna piss off the Jehova freaks? Crank your music and start singing and dancing. They hate dancing and music. It's evil, ya know.
Also, let them speak only if they share a beer with you. They'd mark your house as evil and never come back.
When I wasn't working they would come by all the time. Finally, I asked one of them to pray to satan with me if I would read their pamphlet. Haven't been back since.
6:34 AM
We've only had one JW since we've lived in our house. I answered the door in my overalls with a ponytail and he asked if my parents were home. He clearly saw his error by the look on my face and high tailed it out of here. They must have put us on the no list after that.
However, we do get a steady supply of Mormons at our place every spring...
~Denise
8:12 PM
I have a hard time turning the missionaries away, too. I had an ex-boyfriend sic the Mormons on me. They came like clock-work because on their little list, it looked like I asked them to come.
A middle-aged woman and a young woman (the same two people every time), came on Wednesday evenings every other week. I think that it was strategic, that every other week part. I always forgot they were coming.
I'd chat with them briefly at the door, and they'd invite me to their Sunday evening fellowship thing. I got a kick out of the Book of Mormon (which I did read, including the portions they highlighted with flourescent pink). It was strange to me that they'd keep coming back even after I told them I was Catholic and was going to stay that way. As they'd leave, they'd always ask if I minded if they returned. Finally, after about 5 visits, I realized that they were persistent little buggers and didn't let a little papist bother them, so I told them it might not be a good idea for them to return.
Have you ever gotten on a Scientology mailing list? Now that's scary. Same psycho ex-boyfriend, and I still get stuff 5 years later. And I've moved three times!
9:41 PM
Brandon - I may have signed you up to get various consumer products. I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER signed you up to have lunatics appear at your door.
Our old landlord, on the other hand ...
7:46 AM
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