What's In The Names?
Every now and then I hear about a celebrity who has given his/her baby one of those names that makes you squint. I recently heard that actor Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor. Pilot Inspektor. And that's Inspektor with a k, because, you know, using a c wouldn't be unique enough.
I have a soft spot for Rob Morrow because he portrayed Dr. Fleischman in the great Northern Exposure, but when I read that he named his daughter Tu, I had to pause and reconsider. Yes, her name is Tu Morrow. Sigh...I still love ya, Rob, but...
Names like this aren't really cute, and you can't really say they're cool when they're rooted in nothing historical or meaningful, save for maybe a desire on the parents' part to draw even more attention to themselves, or perhaps to take credit for what they think is cute or clever even though at best these names can be described as quasi-cute, quasi-clever. What is it that inspires the famous and/or insanely wealthy to brand their young with these embarrassing appelations? Theories, please.
I mean, what could possibly have possessed magician Penn Jillette to name his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter? Or how about Shannyn Sossamon's baby Audio Science? Yes, Audio Science. Can somebody please deck her for me? Thaaanks...
Then there's Courtney Cox and David Arquette, who chose a popular puppy name, Coco. That's Coco Cox Arquette. Maybe these names are just selfishness at work, if not egomania. It would take some doing to convince me that in some of these examples the parents had the kid's best interests in mind. And it's a safe bet that in most cases, by the time these kids are adults, they'll go by something else.
I have a theory. I think that most celebrities are thin on talent. Not necessarily those named above, but I think any real examination into the world of acting in particular would reveal a plurality of creative and intellectual vacuity. And so they strive to show the world that they're "artists", and this is what "artists" do. I can name my baby Maxtreme Poopypants or Lolipop Goddess because that's the sort of thing "we" do. And it might get us an invite to David Letterman just when our careers are beginning to sag.
Okay okay okay, Yes. Many actors who have given their children squint-worthy names have an abundance of extraordinary talent. Bruce Willis ain't short on the gift. He has one thing that most actors wish they had—gravitas. So when I heard he named his kids Tallulah and Scout, I didn't think much of it. I wouldn't have picked 'em, but at least they're, you know...namey. Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke named their kid Levi Roan Green Hawke. I'd have guessed that was a new line of jeans before I'd guess it was a person's name. I'm sure there a many other fitting examples.
But Pilot Inspektor?
By The Way...
Someone with a lot of time on his hands has created a fake movie preview for a "feel good hit of the summer"-type of film...using brief scenes culled from The Shining. It's clever and good for a chuckle. Check it out.
I think the death of Rosa Parks is a genuinely sad day for the country. The shit that went on in those days was insane, and it's pretty beautiful that with such a small gesture, she was able to make millions of assholes look like, you know, assholes. Maybe the most influential seat ever taken. I wonder if the cushion has been on Ebay.
Speaking of asses, this is what happens when you add 2 quarts of stupidity and 2 pints of bad parenting to your sperm and eggs.
Labels: commentary
13 Comments:
"we want to keep being white," said Lynx....
Sorta ties your first two Vignettes together in a nice, neat package, huh?
8:34 AM
How could you write a piece on goofy celebri-kid names without mentioning Apple Martin? As far as the Coco, I thought that was Courtney's nickname: Courtney Cox. If not, then, yeah, that's a stupid name.
Audio Science, Pilot Inspektor, and Moxie CrimeFighter are probably due to drugs, and lots of 'em. Really, what else could it be?
I worked with someone whose middle name was Too. His father's full name was Jerry Mack, so he was Jerimac Too.
If you have twins, please don't give them rhyming names. My great-grandmother and her brothers and sisters were Iva, Eva (twins), Ray, Faye (twins), Earl, Pearl (twins) and Louisa. My father was a twin (James and John, a little less rhyming), and my brothers are twins (James and Brian -- totally not rhyming at all). Rhyming names are crappy, even if they are normal.
Personally, I liked Maxtreme Poopypants as a name. But it would be especially fun if the last name was White. It'd sound like laundry detergent.
5:02 PM
What's a Sossamon?
7:32 PM
>>tiernan said...
What's a Sossamon?
I dun'no. Maybe it's a Yeti, or a Yeti-like thing. Or maybe some new Japanese cartoon.
11:09 PM
Remember Paula Yates and the concoctions she gave her daughters? Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, amongst others. I agree with you about Coco as a pet name, except when it's Thurston Moore/Kim Gordon's daughter. Somehow that's Ok. And so are the names of Frank Zappa's kids--I guess they go into the Bruce Willis category.
You should check out the baby name section of the D and C. You're bound to chuckle. d'Faz
7:55 AM
Good points, Defaz.
I agree that anything Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon do is acceptable.
And Frank Zappa'z kids Dweezil and Moon Unit and others don't count in this, because Zappa had long established himself as the kind of guy who might name his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit.
Zappa gets a pass.
Y'know, if Iggy Pop named his son Soda, I'd think nothing of it.
9:03 AM
Here's what I want to know... why did everyone in the press get so mad when Julia Roberts named her kids Hazel and Phinnaeus? It's not like she named them outrageous 'pet like' names like Apple or Coco. They are real names that just aren't very popular right now... I think Phin is kind of cute and actually know a 16 year old named Hazel.
~Denise
7:01 PM
I agree, Denise. My grandmother's name is Hazel and it's a name we really like. I also like Phinnaeus. Good 'n archaic. And it truncates nicely.
Phin, wanna play catch?
Phin, eat your broccoli.
Phin, take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister.
But Pilot Inspektor?
9:23 PM
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