Eleven government officials in New Jersey—three of them mayors—were busted yesterday in a corruption sting. Cash bribes, bogus contracts, and money laundering? In Jersey?! No *Way*! I'm flabbergasted. This one reads like a page right out of the belated final season of the Sopranos.

If you were told that a scientist thawed an organism that had been frozen for 30,000 years and it immediately sprang to life, would you believe it? We know that microbial life can survive ludicrous conditions (and being frozen for 30,000 years might qualify as the definition of "ludicrous conditions"), but it's still amazing news. I feel like I've been waiting for this kind of news for a long time. News that shatters assumptions, opens minds, and reminds us that life will outlive us. This news might not do all that, but it just might be a small stepping stone toward a new brand of enlightenment on the horizon.

Corruption among UN Inspectors? Naw...not them! Not the U.N.!

A 115-pound woman eats an 11 pound cheeseburger in one sitting. [Surely you must be joking...!] (Insert Frank Drebbin retort). But that's not the main reason I want you to check this out. The second picture on this page might be *THE* funniest picture I've EVER seen. EVER.

Check out this Google search result for "international symbol for choking". If you pay attention to the NFL, this is pretty funny.

When I read that Hunter S. Thompson killed himself, I wasn't sure what to say. I suspect he was ill and wanted to die his way (he loved his guns), just like he chose to live his way. Always high, usually angry. It's actually quite a feat that he survived this long.

So the Pope has come out and called gay marriage part of an "ideology of evil". Regardless of your point of view on this issue or non-issue, statements like this are always a bad idea. The papacy should be more concerned with its relevancy in today's world. Throwing around the "evil" word isn't going make anyone say..."oh yea...you're right. Gosh. I just didn't see it." All this statement will do is alienate more people and make others wince and wonder, why....?

Whenver one party calls another party "evil", a childlike "I know you are but what am I" type of debate ensues. Militant islamists think that you and I are evil. We might be inclined to think of them as evil. Meanwhile, the Vatican thinks everyone in a gay pride parade is evil, while those holding the placards and wearing the assless chaps will probably refer to the Vatican as evil.

In my humble opinion, the only way to separate the wheat from the chaff in this finger pointing contest is to ask, "what do you do with this belief?" I don't see the Vatican killing anyone, or issuing death orders. Likewise, I don't see any killer homosexuals planting bombs on trains. The two parties should take off the gloves, turn off the bluster, and let each other mind their own business.

Terrorists, those that act on their insanity, are the only ones for a whom an "evil" label can be supported by simple logic. So come on, John Paul...reserve that word for those who deserve it, mmmkay?

So an Earthquake hits Iran just as world attention turns its attention to Iran's nuclear capabilities. I wonder how long it takes for some idiot or idiots to claim that it proves that it was God warning the infidels to stay out. Or another group of idiots who will claim that it was a secret U.S. underground technology that can cause a cataclysm wherever we want. Overstated? I don't think so. After the tsunami, the local Imam claimed that God sent the wave because there were infidels on the beach, and a gaggle of paranoid idiots worldwide believed that it was a secret U.S. military operation ordered by George Bush.

Amazing how our little species is so well stocked with idiots and assholes. I wonder if it's Nature forcing her hand, providing balance for all the wisdom and goodness in the world. After all, light has its darkness, yin has its yang, on has off, and 1 has 0.

I just watched Napoleon Dynamite, finally. It was the funniest and most unique movie I've seen in a long time. A nice story without really telling a story. It's one of those films that will sadly be referred to as a "cult classic". Just watch it when you have a chance. You'll come away mumbling lines from this one.

I started making design comps for this damn thingy. Didn't take long to realize I'm a bit rusty with ye olde code. Didn't take much longer for it to come back. The hard part is liking the design. Too boxy vs. too much vs. too little vs. no fuggin way. I've promised myself that I'll finish it before the Mayan calendar ends. S'reasonable.

This headline stopped me in my tracks. I distinctly recall that Abe Froman is the sausage king. And Abe would never do a thing like this.

Love a good mystery. Not the Nancy Drew variety, but the kind that make Mr. Hardscience scratch his head. How about the mysterious moving rocks of Death Valley? Here's an excerpt: "These rocks, some as heavy as 700 pounds, are inexplicably transported across a virtually flat desert plain, leaving erratic trails in the hard mud behind them, some hundreds of yards long. They move by some mysterious force, and in the nine decades since we have known about them, no one has ever seen them move."

Spam Filter Anthology update:

• Don't be an asshole Jose
• Is your sister suspicious
• Beater pity daniel coattail
• Today fat tomorrow slim
• analysys aggree stock should rise

Friday the 13th, 2029. Doomsday? Well, almost. If this is confirmed, I think an all-Earth party is in order. We'll call it Whew, and we should party like it's 2030.

With all due respect to Clyde Tombaugh, Pluto wasn't discovered 75 years ago. If anything, it was rediscovered by Mr. Tombaugh. It's just another case of our modern blinders, or "mainstream" academia's failure to acknowledge overwhelming evidence that we are today at just another peak among many in the history of humanity's knowledge and technology. Our progress hasn't been one constant, upwardly-moving line. There have been many dark ages, and many a Renaissance. Thousands of years ago, the sumerians knew about our solar system, including Pluto and the mysterious object beyond Pluto that's currently accepted. But this is thousands of years ago, when our textbooks tell us there were no telescopes or other informing technologies. Too many Ph.D. theses depend on old, tired and egotistical assumptions. They'll eventually be torn to shreds...I just hope it happens in my lifetime.

The fastest object ever? How does 1.5 million mph sound? This is an intersting (and quick) read. In a nutshell: a star is making a beeline out of the Milky Way. They think it was catapulted out of a black hole. Unfathomably cool.

On Thursday the 24th at 8:00 p.m., Peter Jennings will be the first "mainstream" "journalist" in years to give proper attention to the UFO question. But I expect this two hour show to prove inferior to anything the History Channel has done in the past four years.

Check out this interesting anomaly published on NASA's site. Give it a second or two to load. What was that thing over Hawaii last month? Gotta love a good celestial mystery.

To bring all this back down to Earth a weebit: The 2005 Unnecessary Event Award might have to go to the folks who are re-assembling the cast of One Day at a Time for a special reunion show. And is it me, or does Valerie Bertinelli look like she could be her husband Eddie Van Halen's doppleganger?

Labels: ponderage

To the human eye, you could say that we're all just individual bloated, stinking bags of gas and fluid and tissue. Fair enough. But every time I think about the fact that, under a microscope, we're all an independent universe within a much larger universe, I'm torn between awe and disappointment. I mean, wouldn't it be more convenient if we were just some pale yellow mystical light on the inside instead of all that goop?

It reminds me of one of my favorite aphorisms: "The belly is the reason man does not easily take himself for a god."

And I wonder what the comparative scales are between the internal universe of the human body and the universe that Einstein pondered. I'd like to see a ratio. The size of a T cell in relation to a whole body versus a whole body in relation to the known universe. 1:1,000,000,000? I'm curious. Help me out.

But anyway, it's hard to not be impressed by that fact that every one of us is a separate but similar universe, made up of about 50 trillion cells, each a unique citizen capable of good or bad. Like us, they act both as a collective and as individual entities. While we watch Sportscenter there are internal battles going on that, if magnified to an appreciable scale, would be far more entertaining to watch. Countless bacteria, viruses, and protozoans routinely check into the Hotel You. Some are good, some bad.

When the bad guys get in, a variety of cells arrive on the scene. They communicate with each other with their inconceivable chemical language. Some cells bark orders, other cells receive and act on them. We have other cells that send signals to raise our body's temperature to encourage energy-saving rest. And if these cells fail to take down the bullies, in comes the proper army. Helper T cells, like spies and sentinels, track down trouble and poke the bad guys with a flag that says, "Yo, Killer T cells: Snuff this." The Killer T cells start their rampage, and are then followed by the suppressor T cells, which declare the battle over so that it doesn't go on longer than necessary. Then the memory cells arrive to take an inventory of the battlefield, recording the genetic signatures of the fallen for future reference. If their kind return, they'll be easy prey. It's all pretty damn amazing.

I'm not sure what made me think of all this, but it might have something to do with this crippling stomach ache.

I'm going to begin the process of redesigning this joint. I was supposed to do that the first month I started this thingymajig, but hey. Once it was up, it was up.

Labels: ponderage

Early Sunday morning we returned from a refreshing vacation in Mexico with some friends. I'd never been to Mexico before, but I still remember about 20% of what I learned in my high school Spanish classes. Not enough to discuss Lorca, but enough to get by. Just enough to make subtle errors that make the taxi driver chuckle. Case in point: We had no idea that one of the golf courses we played was built around a sewage treatment facility. (Of course we had no idea.) There were holes that had *water hazards* filled with sewage. One of these true hazards even had a rudimentary fountain, tossing the occasional solid into the air and creating a mist that you avoid like you would a cloud of DDT. They should have paid us for this round.

Anyway, when our driver asked how it was, I said, "el dolor era terrible." He looked me up and down for visible signs of a back strain or some other malady. I didn't realize I had said "The pain was terrible". "Dolor...?" I said, wafting my hand in front of my face.

"Oh, *olor*...olor...ah, si, si. Muchas problemas allí."

Yes, there were many problems there. Ducks were seen in only half the ponds and water hazards. These were on the "good side" of the course. The others were lifeless and full of red dye and soapy fragrances ill-equipped to cover up that kind of stench. Countless thousands of gallons of open waste fermenting in the Mexican sun. You get the picture. Muchas problemas allí.

Fortunately, this was the only stumble on an otherwise perfect vacation. It was one of the best pure vacations I've ever had. Cabo San Lucas has some amazing vistas, kind people, and great food. And as often happens on vacation, I learned a few things. I'll start with the obvious.

1. When playing golf in Mexico, make sure you think to ask if the course is within noseshot of a government septic service.
2. Don't stay up for 24 hours prior to the vacation, fail to get any real sleep on the 8 hour flight, and then proceed to drink countless Coronas in a hot pool until the wee hours of the night.
3. If you must do the aforementioned, don't bother waking up at 9 a.m. to eat the lovely breakfast someone has made for you. Just take the axe out of your skull and lay back down.
4. When you finally wake up at noon to a swirling world of way-too-bright lights, don't start the day with the cold bacon and eggs kindly left on the bedside table three hours earlier. Just don't.
5. When you're finally on the first tee an hour later, consider waiting for the spins and nausea to settle down. Even if you're pretty damn good at this game, you might miss the ball.
6. If large, venomous spiders give you the creeps, don't spend too long staring down the black widow spider you find waiting patiently in a yucca plant. Move along.
7. Bring your own ketchup.
8. Mexican airports have curious security methods. What's Spanish for going through the motions? They open your checked luggage, stick a hand inside, lift a layer of folded skivvies, and zip it back up. Gracias.
9. When deciding how much beer to purchase for six people with little else to do but drink beer, err on the side of too much.
10. Don't try to bluff your wife when she raises and you're holding Jack-six.

Did I really just see that? The Eagles just demonstrated the worst clock management I've ever seen, and that's saying something coming from a Bills fan. It was as if they hadn't prepared for the game to be close. It's the Super Bowl, yet in their most critical hour they showed no sense of urgency. They should have called two plays at once to ensure that no time was wasted in between them. They should have called plays suitable to their hurry-up situation. They would have quickly reassembled at the line. They would have shown something resembling hunger. I wasn't sure I was really seeing what I was seeing. Three points down, they played like a team that knew they were going to lose and were content to let it happen.

So. The Patriots. Again. I'm gonna hear some smack from my Boston family, and I'm going to take every bit of it with dignity. Gonna hold my head high. Four years ago, Boston sports fans were pitied for their long history of almosts. Since then, Boston has enjoyed two Super Bowls and a World Series. They lifted a curse only they believed existed. They have the most brilliant mind in all of football leading their team and they're more likely to get better than take a step back. But enough already. New England sports fans have had enough. Their cup runneth over.

But all things must (and do) change. Until next season, this is my bumper sticker. My T-shirt. I'll make a stamp for the back of my hand, and maybe make a yard poster for passers-by. These Patriots...they can't continue this much longer, can they? Is there not some natural law, carved out of Truth by one of our geniuses of yore who revealed the laws of thermodynamics or lift or whatever, that ensures that no NFL team can win 4 superbowls in 5 years? Please can there be?

And one more thing about Super Bowl XXXIX. Give some credit to Terrell Owens. Six weeks ago he had two screws inserted into his ankle and everyone figured he'd be lost for the season. His surgeon refused to clear him for the Super Bowl, insisting he would be risking his career. Owens didn't look particularly hobbled to me when he caught nine balls for 122 yards, helping put his team in a situation to win that they would ultimately squander. Now imagine if Jerry Rice had done what Owens had done. Rice would have been lionized beyond the point of further lionizing. He'd be a hero for all eternity for his bravery and committment. But it's TO, so they merely remark that they're surprised by it.

Anyway, go Bills? 2005?

...sniff...