Dearest hockey gods: Buffalo hasn't won a championship in any sport, ever. The Bills came close four straight times, and in '99 the Sabres made it to the Stanley Cup finals, when the infamous "goal" happened. After that, all iffy goals have been reviewed by a team of spectacled analysts up in Canada, just to be absolutely sure they get the critical calls right. Again, after "no goal" happened.

Well, the Sabres are back in position. They just need to win tonight and they'll face the Edmonton Oilers in the Stanley Cup finals. They lost their top goal scorer to a concussion. Then they lost one of their best defensemen with a broken ankle. Then they lost their steadiest defenseman to a goin injury. Then they lost another defenseman to a broken arm. A guy who was +14 in the playoffs, which is unheard of. They've had to start three rookies in a rotation. These kids haven't played hockey in over a month, let alone NHL hockey, and double let alone NHL playoff hockey. And now, guess what? We've lost our best shot blocker, yes...another defenseman. Jay McKee. Tough as nails, but bad infections are bad infections. If they lose one more guy, they might have to ask me to lace 'em up, and I haven't skated in a decade.

Hey, I'm not complaining, ye gods. [Genuflect] I'm just giving you the facts in case your omniscience is temporarily disabled. [Genuflect] I'm truly not worthy to get in your face and demand a successful outcome for this young team of overachievers, who by the way are up against a team from Carolina, where the fans can't sell out a game 7 conference final. They didn't even have a flake of snow this past winter. Do you really want them to represent in the Cup finals? The Sabres have suffered. Western NY has suffered. Throw them a bone, will ya? [Genuflect]

And if you need anything more to convince you that the Sabres should win game 7 tonight by a score of 33-0, then you should know that Clay Aiken is a Hurricane fan and they brought him in to "sing" a "song" during the pre-game warmup. Ready your barf bags.

Oh...and one last reason that you should grant Buffalo victory tonight: Because Sabres captain Danny Briere looks an awful lot like Paul McCartney in his prime.

This would be a fitting spot for a thematic picture:

And hey, that reminds me: watching the Stanley Cup playoffs on OLN means having to watch the same five commercials repeated endlessly. But y'know what...I'm still not going to KFC for a fuggin chicken bowl, and I'm still not going to buy a Dodge Caliber, and I'm certainly not going to Pizza Hut. At some point, the folks who make money on TV advertising have to realize that the current model is nothing more than an annoying spam engine. It could be targeted, permission-based marketing. But no. Just drill the same handful of pitches at us and hope we finally turn on reason and scurry off like lemmings to the nearest purchase point.

By the way, at what point in advertising history did the adfolks ("creatives" as they call themselves in the industry...) decide that showing food prepared in slow motion makes it more appealing? If I had a nickel for every slo-mo sauce I've seen poured over this-n-that, I'd have $68.15.